NHLers' advice for a first-time father: 'Stanley Cups are close, but nothing beats this' (2024)

I’m nervous. I’ll admit it. My wife, Caitlin, and I are expecting our first child any day now, and there have been a ton of emotions flooding through me.

It’s reassuring to know now that this is normal.

Expected.

I spent the past season asking NHL players and coaches — hey, it’s who I see every day — for their advice for becoming a first-time father. Turns out, even the toughest athletes’ knee buckle at the life-changing experience.

“You’re like, ‘Holy s—,” Carolina Hurricanes coach Rod Brind’Amour said.

“You don’t know what you’re getting into,” Minnesota Wild winger Mats Zuccarello said.

“You’re scared out of your mind,” Hurricanes winger Jordan Martinook said.

But it’s worth it.

“It’s the greatest feeling,” Tampa Bay Lightning goalie Andrei Vasilevskiy said. “Greater than a Stanley Cup.”

There will be plenty of firsts for Caitlin and me this summer, and players and coaches provided a blueprint with their tips.

“Don’t panic,” Marc-Andre Fleury said.

‘What do I do now?’

Jordan Staal, the Hurricanes’ captain, loves to be in control. Loves to take charge.

But when his two daughters, Abigail and Lilah, were born, it was all about taking a supporting role for his wife, Heather.

“I’ve never felt more useless in my life,” he said. “You’re there, but you’re not. You’re watching the star of the show do her thing. Just watching some crazy stuff going on. It’s a very helpless feeling. I don’t like that feeling. I’m the one that wants to be in control or at least be part of it. But it’s hard. You come to realize how tough women really are.”

The wives carry the baby. They feel him or her kick, burp. For the dads, the moment their child arrives, lays on their chest, it’s first contact. Priceless.

“A lot of emotions right away,” said Zuccarello, whose daughter, Matilda, turns 2 this summer. “Nine months of not really feeling anything. She came out, and you’re so emotional. You’re crying. You’re a father.”

Many NHLers did research beforehand. Brind’Amour perused articles. Victor Hedman used the blog takingcarababies.com as a resource. My wife and I did a full-day parenting class as well as a class on CPR.

“You think you’re prepared …” Alex Goligoski said.

The implication being: You’re not.

“You go through all these crazy emotions, watching your wife go through (labor),” Staal said. “Day and a half later, they’re like, ‘All right, see you later.’ You’re like, ‘What? Tell me a few more things.'”

“You don’t know what to do with it,” Filip Gustavsson said. “That’s how it felt. ‘How am I going to make this baby survive?’ They just give you a baby, and you’re like, ‘What do I do now?'”

Jonathan Drouin said his scariest moment was the drive home with his son in February 2022. The car seat was already installed. (That’s not easy, trust me.) But in a Montreal winter?

“The kid is in the back, and you’re driving so slow,” he said. “Grabbing every red light. Not even thinking about it. The first drive is nerve-wrecking.”

“You go soooo slow,” Fleury said, laughing.

Then you get home.

“It’ll be the ride of your life,” Staal said.

‘Get in a rhythm’

Drouin said one of the tougher parts was bonding early on.

He tried to read to his son. Sing. Everything.

“All the baby wanted was Mommy,” he said. “You feel useless.”

The key is staying patient. It’s worth it.

“The newborn stage is unbelievable,” Brayden Schenn said. “And it gets better and better. When they start getting personality and start walking and talking and saying words. You look forward to every day, coming home and spending time with the kids.”

“It’s the best thing you’ll ever do,” Brind’Amour said.

Brind’Amour had a few tips for the early days: Keep a changing table in every room. And establish a sleep schedule. “That’s huge,” he said. “And it will be for a long time.”

“Sleep when they sleep,” Luke Schenn said. “Trust me.”

Brayden Schenn has two kids under 2, and Luke has three kids under 6. Brayden said the brothers are “ready to get the cousins together and have some hockey matches — probably get in a few scraps along the way.”

The early days are more so eat, sleep and poop, as the dads put it. There’s also a lot of worrying about things. “You’re like, ‘Is she breathing?'” Zuccarello said. “Is she OK? Lucky we have Google and computers now so we can look up anything.”

“Are we doing the right thing?” Hedman said. “Are we holding him or her the right way? Then you get in a rhythm like anything else. It’s not like having a dog. Definitely not.”

“They’re pretty durable — hard to break,” said Wild defenseman Jon Merrill. “So don’t be too hard on yourself. You can make mistakes. It’s hard to really f— it up if you care and you love them. Just try to have an open mind, trust your instincts and love the hell out of them.”

Merill said his favorite dad activity is going to the park. Doing anything outside. Drouin, whose son turned 2 in February, said he’ll play mini-sticks every day after practice. There are no naps for them. They watch hockey, too. It’s cool when the kids realize their dads are the ones on TV playing. Well, at least most of the time.

“Sometimes I’m home and he’s saying, ‘Dad, dad, dad!’ pointing at the TV,” Drouin said, laughing. “And I’m on the couch next to him. I don’t think he fully realizes what I’m doing. He realizes what the Avalanche is. He kind of knows.”

Staal acknowledged one of the bigger challenges at home is how the baby impacts the relationship with your wife. It’s one of my biggest concerns. The way my wife and I think of it: The baby is part of our family, but they are not the entire family. Staal said he and his wife, Heather, continued to prioritize each other, and it paid off.

“It can change in a bad way, too,” Staal said. “It’s a lot of time. If you’re together as a couple, you expect it’s going to change. If you’re willing to accept it and embrace it and find time for each other, being able to do that is huge for a couple. Sometimes, people don’t think it’s that big of a deal, but it’s better for the kids. You want your parents to be happy, together and strong.”

‘You just melt’

Staal and his wife were tested in an unimaginable fashion six years ago when they lost their baby daughter, Hannah, due to a terminal birth defect. The perspective of being a father has changed how Staal looks at life and much smaller losses, like on the ice.

“It creates a bubble for me, a safe haven,” Staal said. “I try to create a bubble and keep my job out of it as much as I can. Not sure if my wife would agree. But you get home and you have this whole other world that’s better than the one you were just in. So much love. So much fun. It’s all the things I’ve dreamed of and more.”

“You can’t be too mad when you get home anymore,” Gustavsson said. “You have to come home and you have a different life.”

Drouin left the Canadiens during the 2020-21 season because of what he later described as insomnia resulting from anxiety. He went through the NHL-NHLPA Player Assistance Program and got help for his mental health. The birth of his son a year later was another huge inflection point for him.

“It changed how I see life,” Drouin said. “I’m so hockey, hockey, hockey. I didn’t have a choice (other than) to push hockey aside when I got home. I had to focus on my son and what he wants to do. It helped me step back from hockey. Sometimes, it’s time to move on to do something else with your day. It helped me a lot, to see life different.”

Steven Stamkos has a huge decision awaiting. The face of the Lightning franchise is heading into unrestricted free agency. Part of the reason Stamkos wants to stay in Tampa is that he’s put roots down with his wife, Sandra, and their two sons, Chase and Carter. It puts a twist on how he approaches his next, and possibly last, contract. “It’s more than just me now,” he said.

“All the things you used to stress about before, they’re out,” Stamkos said. “You have new stresses. You’re responsible for this infant. But the time does fly. Everyone says that, but it’s true. You try to enjoy those moments.

“Just the bond you have with something you never thought you could have — that bond is special.”

Fleury, a father of three, put it this way:“Some days are hard. But once they smile at you, say, ‘I love you, Daddy,’ you just melt.”

Zuccarello said it’s important to not listen to everything everyone tells you — friends, experts, etc. — when deciding how to raise your kid.

“You’ve got to go with the flow and feel it out for yourself,” he said. “Everyone has an opinion on what to do. Do whatever you and your partner think works. That’s the right thing to do. You have to do what’s right for you.”

“It’s all for the good,” Brind’Amour said. “You’ll be wondering what you did with your life before then. You’ll be like, ‘I was doing nothing.’ You bring this into the world, you’re like, ‘Holy s—. Now I have a purpose.’ That’s how I view being a parent.”

Vasilevskiy, who has won the Stanley Cup twice and Conn Smythe Trophy, said everything else came second after his son, Lukas, was born.

“You’re in the background, you’ll see,” he said. “It’s the greatest. … The Stanley Cup is nothing compared to your kid.”

He laughed. “Even though (the Cup) is good.”

“Stanley Cups are close,” Hedman said. “But nothing beats this. Nothing.”

I’ll never win a Cup. But a bucket-list moment is coming soon. And I can’t wait for our baby.

“You’ll be great,” Luke Schenn said. “Honestly, no one is ever really ready. But you can’t imagine your life without it.”

(Illustration: Sean Reilly / The Athletic, with photos of Steven Stamkos, top left, Jon Merrill, top right, Victor Hedman, bottom right, Dakota Mermis, bottom left, and Filip Gustavsson, middle, with their children courtesy of the Tampa Bay Lightning and Andee Bender / Minnesota Wild)